


Breathe

by Googudah



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Eating Disorders, Idol Verse, Idols, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29389737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Googudah/pseuds/Googudah
Summary: Seungkwan copes with an eating disorder not everyone seems to be aware of, despite the obvious facts.Vernon does notice and tries to help.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning. Eating disorders 
> 
> The chance for recovery increases the earlier an eating disorder is detected. Therefore, it is important to be aware of some of the warning signs of an eating disorder. If you have any concerns about yourself or a loved one, please seek professional help
> 
> English is not my first language so, cope with me please

Vernon has been worried about Seungkwan for years now. He once tried to protect him from the world all at once but soon realized he couldn’t do so.

He couldn’t stop Seungkwan from searching his name online and finding a few harsh comments, he couldn’t stop Seungkwan from hearing some of the staff talking behind his back, he couldn’t stop Seungkwan from waking up early in the morning everyday just to measure his weight. He couldn’t stop him from feeling guilty every time he ate more than planned. He couldn’t stop him from over exercising until there was nothing left of him.Vernon just couldn’t held Seungkwan from the world nor the world for Seungkwan, even tho the world didn’t deserved someone like Seungkwan.

What could he do? His relationship with Seungkwan had changed drastically over the years, from friends to best friends to work mates. It was not like he could go and talk to him like they used to.

He remembers Seungkwan often talking about his weight, about how he needed to loose some. He remembers Seungkwan asking him every single time before a showcase.

“Do you think I look swollen?”

“You seem fine to me”

Seungkwan would smile happily and continue to chat with the others. Occasionally bitting on the others members food, or picking up something from the snack table and eating it as if they had been practicing their choreo for six hours straight the night prior. They had.

Now Seungkwan doesn’t talk about weight at all. Doesn’t mention it, as if it’s something that shouldn’t be said, as if it’s a secret no one should know about. Doesn’t mention it as if no one had to knew that Seungkwan weights.

He feeds mostly on vitamins. Notices Vernon over the course of the last few months. Whenever they sit for a meal, or go to a restaurant Seungkwan only picks a few vegetables and stuffs them into his mouth and chews as if it’s painful. Then he plays with the remaining food and bit by bit, starts adding it into the other members plates, or feeds it directly to them.

If he happened to eat more than required, according to himself, you would find Seungkwan jogging around the room, trying to get rid of those extra calories.

It’s hard to see, but Vernon sees it. And yet he keeps hearing the same comments, the same jokes of those around them. Vernon wishes the world didn't knew about Seungkwan, who has gifted them his amazing voice but has gotten pain in exchange.

Is during the wrapping up of their last comeback that Vernon suddenly notices that Boo is not around anymore, despite being all happy and chatty, and actually eating during their celebration in the 6th floor, suddenly he is nowhere to be seen.

So Vernon checks in the bathroom and in each room, and then goes to the others floors but Seungkwan has vanished from earth, his phone left in the living room's table. Lastly, he goes back to Seungkwan's room and sits at the corner of the bed, wondering, where could he be.

That’s when he notices a soft blue light coming from a machine in the floor. When he comes closer he realizes he is in front of a weighting machine that reads

55.6

And suddenly he knows exactly where is Seungkwan.

He takes the elevator and presses the second floor. When the doors open, he spots a tiny figure moving recklessly in the climber, while some whimpering goes around the room.

He gets closer, careful not to be heard, and gets to see Seungkwan's crying face, with red cheeks and tears spread all around. His eyelids strongly pushed together while he keeps moaning softly.

Vernon pushes the Off button and Seungkwan falls onto the floor and quickly hugs his legs while he hides his face in his knees and stars apologizing over heavy breath.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I was not controlling myself, but suddenly I realized, I’m so sorry.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for” and Vernon sits on the floor and waits until Seungkwan stops crying.

When he finally does, Vernon mumbles

“Shall we go to sleep?”

Seungkwan nods and slowly gets up, following Vernon to the elevator. 

They don’t mention it again after Vernon tucks Seungkwan in bed and puts a chair in front of the window, waiting for Seungkwan to fall asleep. Vernon looks at him and gets a deep feeling of concern. Seungkwan has gotten thinner over the years and he feels that, if someone pushes too hard, he might fall apart.

That night Vernon also realizes that Seungkwan owns no mirrors.

-

Now they are on tour and Vernon is happy to see Seungkwan actually eating, at least what he needs to go thorough a whole show. Perhaps that’s why he is doing it. Cause he nows that all of this food will cause no change in his body, because of the excessive amount of energy wasted.

That is, until one night, the staff who is adjusting his belt mentions him how it fits tighter than before.

Vernon himself feels his heart falling to his belly and sees Seungkwan´s eyes becoming sad, while keeping a smile on his face.

After the concert, they all decide to go eat somewhere out, but Vernon and Seungkwan stay in the van and go directly to the hotel.

Vernon sticks to him as when they had just debuted and couldn’t be away from each other, being the other ones comfort.

That night Vernon is sharing rooms with Chan but he still follows Boo until they are at the front of the door. Seungkwan turns around and asks him, seriously.

“What do you want?”

It’s like he wants him to go away, as if he is hiding is room from him

“I need to talk to you”

It wouldn’t work, he knows. Jeonghan has had this chat with him, Mingyu too. So, as Seungkwan lets him in he thinks of something that could work and starts panicking as he sits in the bed, cause he really has nothing to say. What could stop Seungkwan from harming himself?

He looks Seungkwan and realizes he is on the verge of crying, he should have been holding back since they were on the band. Simultaneously, he sees Seungkwan pointing out all of the good things being half-korean, half- american has, and then all of the good things that dropping out of high school could mean. He sees Seungkwan adjusting Mingyu´s posture and whispering him to not hide it. And also speaking happily with Jun so he could improve his korean.

“You’re beautiful”

Seungkwan looks up, with a surprised look and mumbles a soft “Hmh?”

And then Vernon kisses him.

Holds his face with both hands and closes the gap between them. They both close their eyes for a second and fall into the feeling, Seungkwan feeling another person beside him for the first time in a while. He suddenly becomes conscious andbreaks up the kiss.

“Hold up, hold up” while breathing heavily and guiding them to lay down on the bed. Seungkwan laying on Vernon´s chest and hearing his accelerated heart beat.

How long has it been since he last hugged Hansol? He starts feeling a lot of things all at once, he feels weak and he feels tired. He also feels happy and excited about being on tour. He feels new, now that he realizes he is in a foreign land. And he also realizes he misses his sisters and that he hasn’t called them in a few weeks. He remembers that last night he had promised to play tennis with Seokmin and Joshua, but he had missed out.

He realizes he’s hungry.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope no one is going on through an eating disorder. If you or some of your loved ones are, please seek professional help and know that you are beautiful, you are loved and that, there's always gonna be someone around to listen and care for you.


End file.
